Death & Food

We spent the afternoon down in Rhode Island with my Mom. Mom is 85. Last year she had a series of really rough patches with her health. She was one of my obliquely referenced "Elderly Relatives" or "ERs" here on the blog. Thankfully, she had some really good physical therapy and got herself a new MD who truly cares about her - her health and the whole gestalt of who she is. She is doing much better now, but I think the whole thing frightened her and shook the ground she stands on.

So now, Mom spends a lot of time thinking about and talking about "when I'm gone..." To be fair, Mom has always been comfortable talking about death, dying and ordinary versus extraordinary means. As the primary care giver for my Dad during his illness and death from Alzheimer's she had to face some harsh realities. Dad's condition prompted Mom to be abundantly clear about what she did and did not want her final days on earth to be like. She also took care of her mother-in-law and father-in-law and her own Mom and Dad in their last years. Now, she has her only sibling, a younger sister, in troubling health, living in a nursing home. So for Mom, these topics are like breathing.

But lately, nearly every one of our daily phone conversations has some reference to her death. She might have cleaned out a closet and collected some clothing to donate to charity. But in describing the process, it's couched in "so you girls have less to go through after I'm gone." Today, we had lunch over at Panera. She started talking about the fact that they cater. I knew what was coming. She wanted us to know that we could consider hiring Panera to cater the get together after her funeral or memorial service. I knew it was coming because at Carrie's bridal shower last July, Mom picked up one of the business cards the caterer had left and brought it over to us. She wanted to let us know that she thought the food was delicious and that we could hire them. "For what?" we asked innocently. "For after my funeral." she replied. We were only momentarily nonplused. Soon we were in hysterics, laughing uproariously - all of us, including Mom.

As we sat in the booth at Panera, I asked Mom if she realized how often she brought these things up. She laughed a little, then smiled and said "I enjoy planning it." Then she pointed out that the sandwiches from Panera might be too big and therefore too messy. "People would be spilling food all over my carpet." How can I argue with any of that? So the bridal shower caterer is still in the lead.

Happy planning Mom! May you be still be planning it all as you become a centenarian!